500 words inspired by a photo selected by Dive.
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“Lu, can I ask you something?” said Benni as she and Lulu walked home from the Food Emporium to the one-bedroom apartment they shared just north of 72nd street. “Do you think it would be ok if I asked my dad to help pay for a breast enhancement?”
Damn it! Lulu knew she should’ve hung back when she saw Benni on the check-out line, maybe hiding out in the dairy section until Benni’d left the store. But no, she had to be a schmuckette and call out to her roommate, so now it looked like they where heading for the Benni Zone, a warped and confusing region where logic was suspended and common sense took a holiday.
“I didn’t know you wanted a boob job” said Lulu. “You’re so petite and all in proportion.”
“Petite just means small. When I lie on my back everything just disappears. Look, I’ll show you” said Benni, putting down her grocery bags.
“What are you doing?” said Lulu. “You can’t lie down in the parking lot. Get up!”
“Benni, get up! People are gonna think something’s wrong with you” said Lulu.
“Well,” said Benni, getting to her feet and smoothing her hair and clothing, “I think it might help me in the social department, if you know what I mean.”
“I hadn’t noticed you were having problems there” said Lulu.
“I’m meeting lots of guys, but nothing goes beyond a date or two, so I thought if I got myself a nice set of tatas for them to play with they might stick around a little longer” said Benni.
“And you want to ask your dad to pay for them?” said Lulu. “He goes to shul every morning and keeps Shabbos. I can’t believe you’re even considering this.”
“My parents want grandchildren, so in a way this is an opportunity for them to help move things along” said Benni. “Besides, Lily’s sister asked her parents for a boob job when she graduated from high school, so she could have them for college while she was young enough to enjoy them. I’m already twenty-five, my chance is almost over.”
“Lily’s parents said no, but that’s besides the point” said Lulu. “And regardless of who pays, the recovery can be really hard. Are you planning to move back in with your parents until you can go back to work?”
“I thought you’d take care of me” said Benni.
“I don’t think so” said Lulu.
“But you’re my roommate, we’re supposed to be like sisters,” said Benni. “You said said you wouldn’t help me if my diaphragm got stuck and now you won’t help me get boobies so I can get married and have kids. There’s something very wrong with you Lulu,”
Lulu sighed and turned towards home. It was gonna be a long night.
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copyright (c) 2011 Lulubelle B
5 comments:
Hahahahaha. Oh, that is wonderful, Lulu.
It sounds so real; is it something you have heard from someone in real life? I particularly loved the last paragraph, the fact that Benni considered asking her DAD to help her and of course the George W Bush title.
Lulu and Benni would make a great sitcom; their characters are really coming through as their adventures progress.
On a related note, one of my old admin staff returned from a long "vacation" looking like a porn actress. She had been perfectly proportioned beforehand and now appeared to be constantly falling forwards. She discovered the hard way that the kind of man who is attracted to unfeasibly busty girls was not the kind of man she intended to attract. After that, she went off the rails a little and posted inappropriate photos of her new "enhancements" online. With tragic inevitability those soon found their way to the office and she was out of a job. There's probably a lesson in there somewhere.
There are many elements of truthiness in this story. Benni was a real-life Ado Annie ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VprmD6oXpFQ)
She also asked me after a pregnancy scare and before she left to get fitted for a diaphragm if I would help her dislodge it with my fingers if it got wedged behind her pelvic bone and she needed help removing it after a night of energetic sex.
Lily often said Benni "didn't have the brains God gave seafood."
Lulu, you just made me laugh so hard I hurt my ribs. OW! Sheesh, I think I've strained something.
Thank you for the Oklahoma link. Too funny!
The real life Benni sounds truly scary and utterly hilarious. And as for the phrase "didn't have the brains God gave seafood" - thanks to you I'm going to have to get out the bandage roll and strap up my chest.
Loved it Lulu. Schmuckettes Rule!
Oh gosh, today I got two new ones: "didn't have the brains God gave seafood" and "dumb as a bag of hammers."
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